


The Gang Makes F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

by woollen_pharaohs



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Anal Sex, Anorexia, Attention/Validation Seeking, Blow Jobs, Comedy, Dialogue Heavy, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Fluff, Internalized Misogyny, M/M, References To FRIENDS, canon typical homophobia, out mac, slightly rough sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 13:11:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11944941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woollen_pharaohs/pseuds/woollen_pharaohs
Summary: The one where the gang cook up a scheme to convince Bruce that they are Good People and are deserving of his millions.Set post s12.





	The Gang Makes F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

**Author's Note:**

> Fanart is now included, drawn by the fabulous impalartsociopath on tumblr <3

**8:44 PM**

**On a Saturday**

 

“Guys! I have _huge_ news,” Dee announces, barging into Paddy’s with a laptop snug under her arm.

“This is so stupid I can’t believe you really want to do this,” Dennis tells Mac, loudly ignoring his sister.

“I don’t know, Dennis,” Charlie says, “I think it’s going to be pretty interesting to see who we end up as.”

Dennis grimaces. “ _Who we end up as_?”

“GUYS! I have NEWS!”

“No, no Charlie,” Dennis continues, “You don’t _become_ them, you just -- we _choose_ and then we’re done with it.”

“Doesn’t that mean the same thing?” Frank says, looking at Charlie for confirmation who shrugs in response.

During this moment of silence, Dee attempts to share her hot new money-making scheme but is interrupted by her brother again.

“So alright, you really want to do this? Let’s do this-“

Dee sighs, committing to having to share her news once the gang is done with whatever bullshit conversation they’re having and takes a seat. She props her elbow on the bar and rests her chin in her hand to watch them argue.

Dennis doesn’t even look at her and continues talking, “If there are six Friends, and five of us, that means that none of us have to be Ross-”

“Aw, why not?” Dee asks.

Dennis widens his eyes, glaring incredulously as he turns to painstakingly acknowledge his sister. “Oh you _want_ to be Ross? Oh, yeah, no that makes sense. I mean, nobody likes Ross and _nobody_ likes you.”

Dee scrunches her face against the laughter from the gang. “I think he’s kind of sweet.”

Charlie shakes his head, “Nah, he’s the worst.”

“The worst,” Mac agrees, “He’s so _whiny_.”

Dee looks at Mac, “Yeah… is _he_ the whiny one?”

“So Dee is definitely Ross,” Dennis says turning back to face the rest of the gang, “And I’m _definitely_ Joey because _clearly_ I’m the best looking in our gang.”

Mac slams his palm on the bar, “Aw come on I wanted to be Joey!”

“You know what, Dennis?” Dee says, drawing her brothers raking eyes back at her, ”Mac’s a better fit because he’s the dumbest so…”

“THAT’S BULLSHIT!” Mac snaps, stabbing his pointing finger in the air.

Charlie holds up his hands. “Hold it don’t go so far with Mac as Joey, _or_ Dennis as Joey. When you think about it, Dennis should be Monica.”

The others all wince at him.

“Dennis is too fat to be Monica,” Dee says.

“Well no, think about it,” Charlie explains in earnest, “Monica and Dennis are both hot-“

“Aw, Charlie…” Dennis says, pouting a little, “See, someone knows how to be nice.”

Charlie counts on his fingers as he speaks. “-You’re both really smart… You’re both from a rich family… but you’re both also pretty controlling. And your Moms were probably the ones who fucked you up so bad they made you anorexic.”

Dennis coughs down his beer and clarifies, “Hey, no, I am _not_ \-- Not clinically anyway…”

“Uh, anyway guys, can I tell you my news yet?” Dee pleads.

Dennis drops his beer bottle on the bar with a clank and glares at her, “What! What is it?!”

“I thought of a way we could get money from Bruce,” Dee announces, not wasting a second now that she has one.

“No way. Bruce hates us,” Dennis says.

“I know he does, but that’s from _firsthand_ accounts,” She says, taking her laptop out from under her arm and opening the screen up. “What we need to do is convince his _friends_ that we’re good people. That way, he’ll be hearing all these nice things about us all the time and it’s just up to the nature of changing people’s opinions.”

“What? That doesn’t make any sense,” Mac replies, “People aren’t just going to start saying a bunch of nice things about you.”

Dee rolls her eyes. “Obviously, that’s why we have to _influence_ their opinion of us first. That’s the only way Bruce is going to believe it.”

“I think you’re forgetting that Bruce has already _met_ you guys. He _knows_ you’re both assholes.”

“Thanks Mac,” Dee says.

Dennis purses his lips, “You know what? I think you might be on to something Dee. That’s how marketing works, right? The more people who talk about how good you are, the more likely people are going to _invest_ in this fallacy.”

“Well how are you going to pull it off?” Frank asks, “You’re going to have to impress a lot of people. Sounds like a lot of work that isn’t guaranteed to work.”

“Yeah, Bruce seems like the kind of guy to have a _lot_ of friends,” Charlie agrees, “You’re going to have to touch bases with a bunch of people.”

“Dude,” Mac says, wide eyed, “I bet he’s the kind of guy who is friends with the _mailman_ and you know, other unimportant people like his janitor or something.”

Charlie misses the jab and agrees, “It’s going to be a _huge_ effort Dee.”

“Yeah, actually, no, I thought about that,” Dee explains, “And that’s why I did _research_.”

“It’s too much work for one plan, Deandra,” Frank says, “You better quit while you’re ahead.”

Dee ignores him, “See there’s this one friend on Bruce’s MySpace-“

“Wait, _MySpace_?” Dennis leers.

“Look, I don’t dictate how Bruce uses the internet. This man is still fully invested in MySpace as a social media platform and I’d say it’s a blessing he’s not on Facebook. I mean can you imagine…”

“Being constantly invited to the next hot humanitarian _whatever_ as if there isn’t already _so_ many things happening in the world and I have to know about, like, fifty more a day?” Dennis muses.

“It’d be _just_ like that,” Dee says, “Anyway. This guy, John Packman-“

Charlie’s eyes go wide, “Pacman??”

“Yeah, Packman,” Dee continues, “He comments on literally _everything_ of Bruce’s. So I went to _his_ Facebook page and he has five _thousand_ friends. That’s the limit!”

“What, there’s a _limit_ to how many friends you can have on Facebook?” Dennis scoffs.

“Dennis,” Dee says, “Do you even _want_ 5000 friends?”

Dennis pouts and glances briefly at Mac. “I mean, it would be nice… to feel loved.”

Dee rolls her eyes. “Anyway, his page is filled with posts every minute. Look, there’s a new one right here,” She points at the screen, “Oh no, what is it? Something… oh don’t give a shit. Basically this guy is so active that anything he says will be seen.”

Dennis’ eyes go wide, “He’s the catalyst.”

Dee grins, “Yup. This Packman guy is going to spread our good merit for us-”

Dennis interrupts her, “All we have to do is impress him and it’ll be like the domino effect from there.”

“What’s that… is that something to do with pizza?” Charlie says, moving on from the Pacman excitement.

“No it’s-” Dennis stops himself, “You know what, never mind. It’s not a half bad scheme. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it until now.”

 

 

([x](http://impalartsociopath.tumblr.com/post/164796407760/art-masterpost-for-the-gang-makes-friends-by))

 

**10:03 AM**

**On a Tuesday**

 

Mac lifts his hand to cup Dennis’ face. He asks, “Are you alright dude, you look pretty pale.”

Dennis flinches out of the touch. “I’m fine.”

“Yeah, stop doing that stuff in front of me,” Frank complains.

“Did you eat breakfast?” Charlie questions Dennis.

Dennis changes the subject. “Jesus, what time is it?”

Mac watches Dennis carefully, but plays along with the charade. “Didn’t she say 11?”

“I can’t even remember his name, what was it again?”

“Started with P I think.”

“Why are we meeting at a Gym anyway?”

“Yeah, how are we meant to impress him here?”

“Well, I don’t know about you guys but I’m pretty impressive,” Mac says, kissing his guns. “I don’t think I even need the talking points I prepared earlier.”

“Dude, I’m freaking out, you gotta tell me your talking points!”

“No, Charlie! Get your own talking points!”

“Oh sh! Shut up, here she comes!”

The gang fold their arms waiting for Dee to approach. She walks up to them with her gym bag over her shoulder and says, “Why are you guys dressed so fancy?”

“We thought you arranged a meeting with him!” Dennis says.

“Yeah,” Dee blinks, “I’ve arranged to run into him at the gym.”

Dennis holds the bridge of his nose. “Oh, Jesus Christ.”

“Oh, great, Dee!” Mac yells, “So he doesn’t even know who we are! That’s _great_.”

“Yeah… I don’t wanna hang around for this,” Frank says as he hails down a passing taxi, “I’m going to go hang out with Pondy.”

Frank quickly jumps into the taxi and it tears off down the street.

Dee throws up her arms. “Well whatever, we don’t need that goblin!”

“Dee, tell me how you thought this was going to go,” Dennis queries.

“Don’t worry!” Dee insists, “That fact that he doesn’t know who we are is going to work in our favour. It’s the element of surprise. Besides, it means he doesn’t have time to look us up. All we have to do is pretend to be goodie two shoes and then drop a line about how we’re Bruce’s kids to get the ball rolling.”

“Oh yeah, very natural,” Dennis says sarcastically.

“Kind of like the D.E.N.N.I.S. system?” Charlie suggests.

“Yeah, except I’m the one who’s going to be engaging physically.”

The three guys laughs.

“Oh, are you?” Dennis snickers.

“I’m dynamite,” Dee states, ignoring the gang’s laughter.

“Yeah…” Dennis grabs Dee’s shoulder. “You’re not going to get through to him.”

“You think I can’t?!”

Dennis turns and speaks casually over his shoulder. “I’m going to display myself as a most generous and gracious person and then I’ll shove it in your damn face when Bruce starts sharing his millions with me and _only_ me!”

Mac taps Dennis on the shoulder, “Will you share it with me?”

Dennis squints. “I mean, I’ll buy you a car or something but don’t expect anything fancy. You wouldn’t have _earned_ the millions like I did.”

“Oh Dennis, will you buy me a car too?” Charlie asks.

“No way dude! Even if you knew how to drive I still wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, Charlie, you’re not on our team!” Mac says, pushing Charlie towards Dee.

“Just shut up!” Dee hisses, hastily distancing herself from Charlie, “Here he comes!”

A tall, ripped looking dude approaches the gym and Dee immediately pounces on him. She walks side by side.

“Hi.”

“Um… hi?”

Charlie and Mac share a look as Dee and the man approach the sliding doors to the gym.

“What’s in the bag? Looks pretty heavy…”

“Uh… my camera,” he stops just as the doors slide open, “Do I know you?”

A gust of air plumes through, flitting Dee’s hair all over her face. She spits out parts of hair and claws it out of her vision.

“Oh John,” She tries to say smoothly, “It’s me… Deandra, don’t you remember me?” She takes a stab in the dark. “We ran a charity drive together last year.”

John pauses to think, then smiles. “I’m sorry, you must have been on the recycling committee. I’m sorry I didn’t recognise you. Everyone looks so different in the white suits. Hey, you should have told me you went to his gym.”

They walk in together and Dennis turns to the gang, wide eyed.

“I can’t believe that worked,” Charlie says, incredulous.

“Dude, that was so bad,” Mac says.

Charlie shakes his head, “Nah dude, he totally bought it!”

“I have some catching up to do.” Dennis pulls the guys inside, “Mac, you’re going to be my wingman.”

Mac grips his fist. “YES!”

As the doors zip shut behind them, Dennis walks up to Dee and John, and stops just behind them. Dee is trying to flirt with the man and clearly failing. Dennis smiles. He ruffles his hair and straightens his collared shirt, primping himself up for when they turn around.

Mac hisses to him, “What do you want me to do?”

“Just shut up for now,” Dennis snaps.

Charlie squats by a potted plant and pulls a fern leaf all the way down to the floor. Dennis and Mac ignore their friend, and wait in a posed position for John to notice them. When the two finally do turn away from the front desk, John holds a key card which he drops the moment he sees Dennis. Dee picks it up and swiftly swaps it with her own before giving it back to John.

“You there… Are you working out today?” John asks him, approaching Dennis’ sculpted stature.

“Yes, yes I am,” Dennis nods.

“In that suit?!” Dee hollers, coming over to try and steer John away from her brother.

“Calm down, strange woman, I have my swimsuit on underneath.”

John’s eyebrows shoot right up and he gives Dennis a once over. “You’re a swimmer?”

Dennis keeps his eyes transfixed on his target, refusing to acknowledge Dee glaring at him or Charlie playing with the dirt in the potted plant or the way Mac clenches his jaw in jealousy. “I used to be a world class swimmer but have decided to dedicate all my time to teaching special needs children how to swim.”

John smiles. “How charitable. This is slightly… unorthodox, but I’m doing a photo shoot today, and I would love it if you could participate.”

“I wouldn’t say no to that,” Dennis says, sending Dee the most villainous grin, “It’ll give me the chance for you to write about the poor unfortunate kids I help.”

John’s smile widens and he slings an arm around Dennis’ shoulder and steers him toward the pool area. Mac grits his teeth so hard that a sliver of his inner cheek caught between his teeth starts to bleed. He tries not to think about the way Dennis let that strange buff photographer throw his arm around his shoulder. Not to mention how Dennis kept flexing and showing off his chest hair with his low buttoned shirt – for the _photographer_ , not Mac. He knows Dennis is just trying to impress the guy for some easy money but Mac isn’t sure how long he’s going to be able to put up with Dennis’ flirtations without getting some attention for himself.

“Excuse me! EXCUSE ME, SIRS! You can’t take that bag inside the gym!” A worker calls out over the desk.

John takes his arm off Dennis’ shoulder and replies, “I’m sorry, I just spoke to you about this. It’s only my camera.”

The worker mistakes John’s graciousness for sarcasm and replies with his eyes rolling. “Yes, and _I_ just spoke to _you_ . You need to put your bag and accessories away in the lockers provided. We will _only_ permit you to take the handheld camera inside the premises.”

John looks Dennis in the eyes with earnest, “Wait here, I’ll be back in a minute.”

The moment John turns toward the lockers, Mac latches on to Dennis’ arm and yanks him the opposite way, towards the exercise equipment.

“Dennis! Dennis!” Mac repeats.

“Let _go_ ,” Dennis snaps, trying to loosen his grip as he keeps an eye out on John’s return.

Mac keeps pulling Dennis further into the equipment room and sits down on the closest vacant machine he can find.

“DENNIS! DENNIS!” Mac sings.

Dennis furrows his brow and crosses his arms, leering back to glare at the empty foyer.

“DENNISDENNISDENNISDENNISDENNISDENNIS!”

“WHAAAAT! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!” Dennis roars, glaring at Mac.

“Look at me,” Mac replies. Slowly he pulls the arms of the machine to accentuate he massive biceps and flutters his thick eyelashes at Dennis.

Dennis glares at Mac, face red and eyes watering from screaming so loud. He quickly relaxes once he realizes that everyone is looking at him for not immediately appreciating Mac’s amazing strength. Mac continues to show off his skills, making sure to keep his back straight and his chin high, locking eyes with his best friend. After a few minutes, Dennis’ eyes go from wild to relaxed, then finally to glazed with total and _utter_ appreciation. Mac nods toward his bicep and Dennis edges closer, about to reach out and feel Mac flex except at that moment, that bastard John enters the room.

Dennis flinches and stands back at such a speed that he must get dizzy because he sways a bit.

“There you are, I was worried I wouldn’t get to capture such an exceptional man in action.”

 

* * *

 

“CHARLIE! CHARLIE I need your help!”

“There’s something weird about this place,” Charlie says, dirt falling out of his mouth.

Dee snatches the fern root out of Charlie’s hand and smacks it on the ground. Particles of dirt scatter across the tiles. She seizes Charlie and takes him outside.

“God FREAKING damn it! I had it all worked out. I swapped John’s key card and I locked it in the stupid freaking locker!”

“Why would you want to do that?”

“No!” Dee hangs her head for a moment, “I didn’t _want_ to do that! It was an accident! I was meant to follow him into the Gold suite lockers and I let him in using my _functioning_ card, because wow jeez, his stopped working? How unfortunate! And I was meant to use _his_ card to get inside his locker and steal his phone and make a post on his stupid page about how freaking charitable I am,” Dee takes in a deep breath and then hisses through grit teeth, “but I messed up!”

“Yeah, you threw dirt all over the floor Dee. At least when I was investigating the authenticity of this supposed ‘gym’, I had the decency to keep my mess to one spot,” Charlie says.

Dee blinks and Charlie points at the window which reveals a pile of dirt neatly kept to one side next to the potted plant.

“What, do you think a pot plant is out of place for a gym?!” She lets go of him and starts pacing. “Of course this is a real gym, Charlie. And a very high tech one too.”

“Dee,” Charlie says seriously, “I think we’ve gone through a portal to the future…”

“Can you shut up for a second?” Dee snaps, “I need to figure out how I’m going to get to John’s phone. The Gold suite is only accessible by card… and I can’t go asking for help at the front desk because that guy has already seen my face. And obviously _you_ couldn’t pass for someone who carries a Gold card in the first place. You’re a disgusting, unwashed sewer rat.”

Upon receiving the compliment, Charlie tries to suggest something helpful. “Uh, you could try flirting with him again?”

“No, no. I totally got gay vibes from that man.”

“Shit, Dennis is going to win…”

“I can’t give up now!” Dee growls, “I just need Bruce to know that I’m a _good_ person. He knows that I’m not _nice_ , but his opinion can totally change since good people can still do bad stuff.”

“Like Ghandi?”

“What? No, not like Ghandi, he’s all about peace. He’s like, the most… good person in the whole world. I’m not trying to be like Ghandi I’m trying to be like-”

Charlie interrupts her, “I don’t know, I heard he like, raped slaves and young girls and shit.”

“I think you’re – no, never mind. You know what I need?” She turns to Charlie and grips his shoulders. “I need a disguise.”

“A disguise…” Charlie repeats, squinting at Dee.

“And a quick one. What do we have on hand?”

“Well I’ve always got glue on me,” He says.

He pulls out a bottle from his inner jacket pocket, but as he does so, the bottle ‘slips’ out of his hand and rolls along the concrete path. Dee turns and tries to grab it, and while she’s down, Charlie whips out a knife from his sleeve and cuts a portion of Dee’s hair off.

At the momentary tugging sensation, Dee suddenly stands up straight and claps her hand against her hair. Aghast, she screams, “WHAT THE SHIT, CHARLIE?!”

 

* * *

 

Mac chases Dennis and the creep into the indoor pool area with his toes right on Dennis’ heels. When John stops, Mac almost pummels Dennis straight into the pool. Dennis rights himself and cuts some distance between himself and Mac.

John turns to Dennis and gives him a warm smile. “Wait here a moment while I scout out places to shoot.”

The moment John turns his back, Dennis swivels and takes Mac by the collar, pulling him behind a towel rack.

“As my wingman, you have to find me a swimsuit.”

Mac’s eyes go wide. “I _knew_ you weren’t wearing a swimsuit underneath! Why did you say you were?”

“I got carried away as my character – hey, what are you doing?” Dennis eyes Mac, slinking further back behind the cover of the towel rack.

Mac reaches to pick at the hem of Dennis’ pants, “It’s Tuesday so you must be wearing those red boxers...”

Dennis blushes, brushing Mac’s hands away from his hips. “Look, if you want me to win this thing, you’re going to have to find me something I can get changed into.”

Mac slips his arms around Dennis’ waist this time and pulls in close, watching as Dennis’ blush deepens.

Dennis lifts his eyes away from Mac as he speaks. “I saw Dee getting John’s card… how about you get it from her and steal something from the Gold class area for me?”

Mac frowns. “Can’t I just grab something from the regular lockers?”

Dennis looks at him, trying to hold his gaze steady despite his flushing cheeks. “You think the average person is as hygienic as the wealthy? Come on, Mac.”

Mac purses his lips. “Okay, okay, I’ll do it, but… Don’t do anything with this guy.”

“What do you mean, don’t do anything?” Dennis replies.

Mac catches a twitch in Dennis’ face. “Don’t… don’t flirt with him. I don’t like it when you flirt with other guys.”

Dennis grins. “Oh, you’re jealous?” He smooths the palm of his hand on the small of Mac’s back as he presses their bodies together. “Come on baby, when all of this is over, I’m going to make it up to you. I’m going to buy you _anything_ you want.”

Dennis then runs his other hand up Mac’s side and tilts Mac’s head to expose his neck. Dennis breathes in the scent of Mac’s deodorant, and hovers his lips along Mac’s craned neck. A slight graze, barely touching, static electricity between them. In his periphery he spots John starting to make his way around the pool towards them and so he steps away from Mac.

He sniffs. “Go on, hurry up.”

Mac does a quick ocular pat down on Dennis, raking his eyes over Dennis and then licks his lips. Before John joins them again, Mac dashes out toward the lockers.

“The renovations are exquisite,” John says, clapping his hands together as he nears Dennis. “Come on over to this first spot. Leave your suit on the benches behind you.”

Dennis panics. “Uh, I don’t want to get my hair wet… How about we uh, do the interview first?”

John waves a hand and starts to steer Dennis toward the first location. “I’ll do the interview as we go. Think of it like a conversation. I’ll take some photos, ask you some questions, and I’ll build up the article from what we talk about. It’s much more natural that way. It’s a perfect warm up for when it’s time for my other models to pose.”

“Other… models?”

“Yes, I have the Philadelphia Women’s team due to arrive in about an hour.”

“In that case,” Dennis flutters his eyelashes at John and says seductively, “Do you mind if I take it slow?”

Pleased, John says, “Go ahead.”

Dennis grins. He hooks one finger in the knot of his tie and loosens it a little, and does his best hair tousle as he poses in the spot that John had indicated.

* * *

“FOR THE LAST TIME! I can’t let you through without a valid pass!” The guy at the front desk repeats firmly.

Mac is so ready to lay a seriously hard punch in the guy’s face, but he thinks it would probably just be easier to try the regular locker room for unused (or used) swimsuits. How is Dennis going to be able to tell anyway? Although… he does have a way of knowing these things…

“Hey! That goes for you to, sir!” The attendant calls out to the tall blonde man who had just attempted to stride right through toward the Gold class locker room.

The blonde attempts to keep walking, but the attendant leaves Mac and runs in front of the man to stop them from going any further. The blonde turns, lifting his arm above his eyes revealing hair haphazardly stuck to his chin. Except Mac realizes this person is not a guy, but actually Dee in a shitty disguise.

“Why do you have that shit on your face?” Mac chokes through laughter bubbling out of his chest.

He looks at Dee again and notices that it’s her _actual_ hair glued to her chin as if it’s meant to be a beard or something. Which means that someone has literally gone at Dee’s hair with a shredder to achieve the choppy bob haircut look. And not to mention, she looks frumpy as shit in Charlie’s clothes.

Mac can’t breathe. He’s laughing so much, clutching his chest, he’s falling to the ground in absolute hysterics after seeing Dee’s getup.

Suddenly a very grave expression comes over the attendant. “Oh, I’m sorry… Are you… are you Owen Wilson?”

Dee puts on a lower octave voice to reply, “Er, yeah, I left my card at home.”

“Sure,” the attendant nods, letting Dee pass, “Go ahead Mr Wilson.”

Mac heaves as he picks himself up off the ground. He wrings out laughter wrapped words, “Wait! I’m with her!”

Dee hastens.

“With who?”

“With HER! That’s a chick in a costume!” Mac wheezes, finally getting to his feet.

He stumbles toward the hallway. The attendant looks from him and back down toward Dee, makes a split second decision and then starts to chase after Dee.

“GOD DAMN IT MAC!” She shouts as she rushes toward the locker room.

Mac uses the distraction to run in too and turns the opposite way from where Dee is. Behind him, he hears Dee and the attendant fighting. Locker doors open and slam, screaming rises above the regular working out noises and Mac searches the room for something to grab. Anything. Literally the first good thing he sees is some speedos lying on a bench. He grabs it and runs out of the Gold class locker room, narrowly escaping before some super buff security guards start hauling Dee out.

Mac runs at top speed. He runs through the main foyer passed Charlie inspecting the potted plant again (and dressed in Dee’s lopsided spandex clothes) and heads toward the indoor pool area. The strong scent of chlorine quickly hits his nostrils and he skids to a stop when he sees Dennis. He has taken of his blazer and dress shirt and has his pants rolled up as he sits on the edge of the pool, feet dangling in the clear water.

Mac bunches the speedos up in his fist and conveys Dennis’ name across the room. Dennis perks up upon hearing his name and turns around. He spots Mac, then excuses himself toward the bathroom. Mac follows him in.

“Well?” Dennis says, sitting down on a low bench.

“This is all I could find,” Mac says sheepishly, handing over the goods.

Dennis takes the speedos and holds them up. “They’re _damp_. Could you not have found me some clean, _dry_ ones?”

“Dude, _no_?” Mac replies, “It was hectic! Dee got thrown out by security and-”

“ _Dee_?” Dennis’ purses his lips, “No. She isn’t going to put me out of the race again.”

He stands up and changes into the swimsuit. Mac’s eyes linger on Dennis’ form as Dennis slinks out of his dress pants and boxers and yanks on the speedos, not worrying about any judgement from onlookers since they’re alone.

“If I get some kind of infection from these, you’re paying the bills, okay?” Dennis tells him.

Dennis folds his clothes up and tosses them at Mac. Somehow the under-arm throw sends Dennis into the spins since he twirls a little on his feet, and all the already faint colour in Dennis’ face becomes paler.

“Dude, are you okay?” Mac asks, trying to steady Dennis with one hand on his shoulder, “You look like you need to sit down.”

Dennis shakes his head.

“Have some water at least,” Mac insists.

This time, Dennis nods. Mac helps him toward the row of sinks and spins on the tap for Dennis. He gives Dennis some space after he’s waved backward and stands with his arms crossed, watching Dennis bend over the sink in only his speedos. He shouldn’t think it’s really hot… Dennis might actually be sick and he’s stuck in a train of thought of stepping behind Dennis and grinding his ass against those tight speedos…

The bathroom door behind them swings open and John claps his hands together when he sees Dennis at the sink. “Excellent, you’re in your swimsuit. Let’s get down to business.”

Mac scowls at John as he watches the man walk over to Dennis and rest a hand on Dennis’ shoulder. Dennis kind of shivers as he straightens, his face wiped clean of dread to determination. Dennis carries himself out of the bathroom with a purposefully firm stride which takes him to the diving boards.

 

 

([x](http://impalartsociopath.tumblr.com/post/164796407760/art-masterpost-for-the-gang-makes-friends-by))

 

Dennis stops at the ladder while John sets up his camera and he says to Mac, “I don’t know why I haven’t thought of modelling before, I mean it’s not very hard. All I have to do is pose and look good, and they’re both things I am very good at.”

Mac folds his arms crossly, trying to show off his strength as pointedly as possible.

“What was that?” John asks.

“Oh, I was just telling Mac about the time I saved the lives of three unfortunate children swept away in a rip current on the Jersey Shore last summer.”

“I remember reading about that in the news,” John says wistfully, “I didn’t realize that was _you_.”

Dennis tousles his hair. “It was definitely me.”

“Alright, enough here. Can you show me your sleekest dive and I’ll get some pool shots.”

Dennis nods and starts to climb the ladder to the diving board. Mac watches his nimble body move, his skin so pearlescent against the mixed lighting in the pool and the sparkling reflections off the water. Dennis isn’t particularly muscular though. If anything, Mac should be the one pretending to be a famous swimmer since he has the most banging body, but the whole point of the scheme is to make Dennis look good, not him.

Dennis makes it to the top diving board and the longer he stands there, completely stationary, the quicker Mac gets worried. From down at surface level, Mac can’t read Dennis’ face. He can only see a slight tremble in Dennis’ hands, a hunch in his shoulders, in the fact that Dennis isn’t doing anything else at all.

“Whenever you’re ready, Dennis,” John calls out.

Dennis seems to nod. Takes in a deep breath. Then stretches his arms out and above him and dives. Mac doesn’t know shit about the art of diving but he thinks it’s pretty impressive how Dennis kept his body so straight and dropped into the water head first like a bullet. It must actually be pretty impressive because John, along with a few onlookers in the pool area do a short round of applause. Mac finds himself clapping too, which slows when he has to wait for Dennis to come up to the surface.

Except he doesn’t.

Mac drops his knees on the edge of the pool and searches through the water to spot where Dennis is. He imagines himself heroically diving in fully clothed to pull Dennis out, a fantasy which is fulfilled by that total creep, John. There’s a loud smack of a splash when John throws himself in, a flurry of bare feet slapping against wet tiles and shouts calling for help. His heart beats in his throat as he watches the scene unfold in front of him. John’s black mirage sinking in the water, then, too slowly, John emerges again with Dennis.

John pulls Dennis out of the water and lays him on the tiles. John immediately gets to work with CPR, and Mac runs over with half the heart to kick the man in the face for daring to kiss Dennis, but also knowing he shouldn’t because Mac has no idea how to perform CPR. Mac sinks to the ground beside Dennis, watching in earnest as Dennis’ chest rises and falls with the help of John. Dennis looks so goddamn pale, so blue too, like he’s already dead. Mac starts to wail, knotting his hands in his hair.

“GET OFF HIM, HE NEEDS TO BREATHE!” Mac cries.

John finishes of a succession of breathing into Dennis and starts pressing two hands down over Dennis’ heart. He sends Mac a sympathetic frown and says, “I’m getting there.”

And then, Dennis takes a gasp of water clogged breath and splutters out the pool water.

As Dennis sits up a little to cough out the rest of his lungs, Mac shoves John away and holds Dennis to him, not caring if Dennis pukes anything up on him. He smooths Dennis’ hair out of his face and cradles Dennis’ head in his lap, freely weeping and so ecstatically happy that Dennis hadn’t drowned.

Dennis’ breath evens, and he holds onto Mac’s arms and says, “Did I win yet?”

 

**6:00 PM**

**On a Sunday**

 

([x](http://impalartsociopath.tumblr.com/post/164796407760/art-masterpost-for-the-gang-makes-friends-by))

 

“Dennis! I _told_ you that you were Monica,” Charlie announces as he bursts into the hospital room, the gang following behind him.

“Courtney Cox never admitted to being anorexic. Some women are just naturally very thin,” Dee says.

“Stop making excuses for yourself,” Mac says but he doesn’t miss the brief, intense look Dennis shares with his sister.

“Oh!” Charlie shouts, “That means that Dee really _should_ be Ross because Monica and Ross are siblings too!”

“I mean, I would prefer to be Rachel if we’re going down this path again because _clearly_ she’s the hottest Friend, followed by Joey. But I can do with Monica…”

Mac squeezes Dennis’ hand briefly, “You’re not too fat to be her, either.”

Dennis casts his eyes out the window, a finger curling the stray hair around the nape of his neck. “She always did look good with red lips…” Dennis trails off.

“And she never wore a bra…” Charlie muses.

“Oh yeah…” Dennis says faintly, cupping a hand over one breast.

“…Right… what exactly is going on here?” Dee asks.

Frank points a finger in the air, “Now I remember what you’re talking about! This is the show with the braless broads!”

“So, if Dennis is Monica, then that leaves Joey to me.”

Frank frowns at Mac, “I know Joey, he was the one who got all the broads! I _am_ that guy.”

“Come on man, I wanna be Joey!” Mac protests.

Dee snickers.

“Shut up, Dee,” Mac snaps, “You look even more like a dumb bird with your hair like that!”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Dennis says, trying to redirect the conversation, “What have we got so far? I’m Monica, Dee is Ross, and I have to agree with Mac on this one, Frank _doesn’t_ have Joey’s good looks.”

“Or ever did,” Dee adds.

“But he _does_ have an uncanny ability to bang hot chicks,” Charlie points out, “ _And_ he has the accent to match!”

“Shit dude!” Mac exclaims, “Whose side are you _on,_ Charlie?”

Charlie looks confused, “I’m on no one’s side, man. There’s no sides to this.”

Dennis waves a hand in the air, “No sh. This is bullshit.”

“Dude, no it’s cool, I want to know who you pick for me,” Charlie insists.

Dennis sighs, “Alright well who do we have left?”

“Joey, Phoebe and Rachel,” Mac states.

“No, you’re implying Frank is Chandler, he’s not Chandler, he’s Joey!” Charlie says.

Dennis lolls his head on the back of the hospital bed as he groans, “Let’s get this cleared up already. Charlie can be Chandler-”

“Total weirdo,” Dee pitches in.

“No! What?” Mac shouts, “How is _Charlie_ Chandler?!”

Dennis groans loudly.

“It’s right there,” Frank says, “Chuh, Chuh, don’t you hear it? _Ch_ arlie, _Ch_ andler, makes sense to me.”

“No, no, no. Charlie can’t be Chandler,” Mac says, “Chandler is in a steady relationship for more than half of the series whereas Charlie’s ‘Love of his Life’ has a _restraining_ order against him!”

“Don’t you see?” Dee says, “ _That’s_ the relationship. Probably the longest anyone has had between us. Besides you guys, obviously.”

Mac ignores her. “If anything, Charlie is Phoebe. Now _she’s_ a total weirdo.”

“Yeah that sounds about right!” Frank says, “You’re pretty weird behind a musical instrument hey Charlie. What’s that song she sings?”

“Smelly Cat,” Mac replies.

“ _Why_ do you know this?” Dennis questions Mac.

Mac squints at Dennis, “Why _don’t_ you know this? _Friends_ is an iconic part of American culture. I am surprised you have never seen it.”

“I mean I’ve seen _parts_ of it,” Dennis admits.

“Dennis had a poster of Rachel in his bedroom when he was a teenager,” Dee clarifies.

“Yeah that’s it!” Frank starts to sing, “Smelly cat, smelly cat…. Um… does whatever a smelly cat can?”

“I mean, Phoebe _loves_ cats. I love cat food…” Charlie thinks out loud, “So yeah, I’ll go with Phoebe. Plus she has pretty hair.”

Dennis blinks, “Alright. So that’s settled then. Now for Frank… Christ, who have we got for this monster?”

“No, Frank is Joey remember?” Dee says.

“Oh God, it’s the… the whole…” Dennis gestures to his Dad’s body, “ _Really_? Are we sure about Frank being Joey?”

“Yeah, how about me?” Mac suggests.

“Oh no, you’re not Joey. No way.” Dennis replies flatly.

“Chandler?” Dee offers.

Charlie shakes his head, “Well no one’s Rachel so he’s gotta be Chandler,” he slaps Mac’s shoulder, “Sorry bud but it’s the lowest common dominater.”

“ _Denominator_ ,” Dennis corrects.

“Aw why have I gotta be Chandler he’s so awkward and lame!”

Dee laughs dryly, “And you’re not?”

“Shut up, bitch,” Mac snaps back.

“Guys, I’m actually happy with leaving Rachel out. She’s too good for us,” Dennis says.

“It’s only fair,” Charlie agrees.

“Doesn’t Rachel get with Ross in the end?” Frank points out, looking at Dee.

“Yeah, but not after seasons of drama, betrayal and heartbreak,” Mac says.

“That has Dee written all over it,” Dennis says, “And since in this little scenario, Rachel doesn’t exist, it means Dee isn’t ever finding her man. And that works for me.”

“Dennis,” Dee chides.

Dennis glances around the gang crowded around the bed and adds, “Hey, better get me out of here while those disgusting nurses aren’t around. I mean, would it _kill_ the hospital to hire a set of attractive nurses.”

He flips the blankets over and grabs his pants from the cupboard and pulls them on over his hospital robes. Mac felt as if he should probably look away like the rest of the gang do, but he doesn’t.

Frank continues to talk loudly as Dennis disposes of his hospital robe in favour of a sweater, “What’s the point of being admitted if you can’t wake up to some nice jugs to grab.”

Dennis laughs, “It’s their _job_ to serve the injured so –“

“I don’t know what I’m doing when I wake up in a strange place!” Frank adds, “It’s only natural to go for the soft stuff.”

“You guys are disgusting,” Dee says.

After they sign Dennis out of the hospital (with Frank covering the bills as per usual), Dennis insists that he doesn’t need help to leave, except the gang ends up walking way faster than Dennis. Mac trails back to keep at Dennis’ pace, and Dennis slings one arm over Mac’s shoulders for support.

“Don’t ask me if I’m alright,” Dennis says.

Dennis looks down at the pavement in front of him, his face solid in concentration and Mac pulls at Dennis’ arm, holds him secure because he can see how hard Dennis is trying to stay strong. And besides, he can’t stop thinking about how Monica and Chandler were meant to be.

 

* * *

 

The microwave dings and Mac lifts out the mug of hot milk and adds a dash of sugar with the cocoa. He stirs it around, the steam lifting from the cup as he brings it over to Dennis who is rugged up in blankets on the couch. Dennis smiles a thank you to Mac as he takes the mug in one hand, and checks his phone in the other.

“Dennis,” Mac says firmly as he sits down beside Dennis, “You’ve got a super hot body. I don’t see why that guy wouldn’t call you back.”

Dennis takes a sip of his hot cocoa. “You think so?”

“I mean, clearly I have a _better_ body, but you have a very nice body too… probably one he was looking for. At least, I think so. Unless John suspects you have having some kind of eating disorder… then that’s probably not the kind of model they’d want.”

Dennis persists, “You still think I’m hot though, right?”

“Of course!”

Dennis purses his lips, takes another sip of his cocoa and says, “You know what isn’t hot?” He leans forward to set the mug down on the coffee table. “This cocoa.”

Mac goes to grab it and says, “I’m sorry, Dennis I’ll-”

Dennis flings a hand in front of Mac’s stomach and pushes him back on the couch. “No, no, sh. You can warm it up for me again later.”

“Okay…?” Mac replies.

Dennis pouts. “Come on, baby, you said you would look after me…”

“What do you need, Dennis?”

Dennis looks at him, his eyes half lidded, “I need to get warm.”

“Well do you want me to warm that cocoa up for you or not?” Mac asks, moving to the edge of the couch again. “I can get you another blanket from the bed-”

Mac is cut off when Dennis shuts him up with his lips. He’s rough at first, dominating. Wears his lips thin and forceful against Mac’s and Mac is totally into it, except that Dennis gets tired quickly. He pulls back, panting, his cheeks flushed and Mac bites his lip at Dennis’ ill yet debauched appearance.

“I’m too weak… titillate me,” Dennis pleads.

Mac smirks. He leans in to kiss Dennis’ neck. “You’re lazy.”

Dennis cranes his neck into Mac’s kisses, a hand running through Mac’s hair. “I can afford to be lazy now that I’m going to be a millionaire.”

Mac doesn’t want to say anything since the state of Dennis’ riches is, as of yet, unconfirmed. Instead, he kisses down the taut line in Dennis’ neck before throwing the blankets on top of him. Once the blankets have settled, he grinds his body into Dennis’, eliciting a needy moan which fuels him on. As he kisses down the nape of Dennis’ neck and across his chest, he sidles himself in between Dennis’ legs, using up what space he has left on the couch. Dennis’ skin feels warm and smooth, and Mac enjoys the feeling of sliding his hands over Dennis’ sides and stomach before hooking his fingers beneath the hem of Dennis’ pyjama bottoms.

He yanks the pyjamas down hard and at the same time, he flips the blankets behind his head so that he can see Dennis’ exposed cock.

“Hey! You’re meant to be keeping me warm,” Dennis protests.

“I am,” Mac replies, holding Dennis’ eyes with hunger.

He crawls up Dennis’ god-like body and kisses him, coaxing him to shuffle toward the corner of the couch to allow more space for Mac. When Dennis presses his back against the arm rest, he lets out a moan which vibrates through Mac’s mouth and trickles down his throat. Mac hums in response, trying to keep the vibration going and nibbles at Dennis’ neck. He then kneels in between Dennis’ legs and dips down to take Dennis’ rock hard cock in his mouth.

Dennis throws his arms out, one hitting the back of the couch and the other clawing into Mac’s hair. Mac strains under Dennis’ rough grip but manages to work his lips down Dennis’ shaft, ensconcing the length deep inside his mouth.

“You are so hot, baby…” Dennis mutters.

Mac grins around Dennis’ cock at the positive encouragement. He lifts, and dips down again, sucking in the walls of his mouth as he takes Dennis’ throbbing cock. As he continues this movement, he runs his hands along Dennis’ hip bones, smoothing his palms along the lines of bone raised through soft skin, and grinds his own dick through his pants against the tough fabric of the couch. Dennis’ cock quivers inside his throat, the tip nudging just past his tonsils and Mac blinks small tears beading around his eyes which have formed from the sheer size of Dennis’ cock fixed in his mouth.

“You’re doing so good, baby, make me feel warm…”

Mac wants to laugh so badly but he knows that it would hurt Dennis’ feelings, so he holds back and instead funnels the desire to hiccup laughter into corkscrewing his mouth up and down Dennis’ dick. Although Dennis does try to say something again, a variation of what he’s already said but in the same lustful tone and this time Mac can’t hold back the laughter. He chuckles around Dennis’ dick, his jaw shuddering around the hard muscle and somehow it works in his favour because the oscillation and the hot breath exuding from his mouth is succeeding in bringing Dennis over the edge.

Dennis claws hard into Mac’s hair and bucks his hips as he fucks haphazardly into his best friend’s mouth. Then, Dennis makes a (hilarious) guttural noise which serves as Mac’s warning that he’s seconds away from coming. Mac closes his eyes and lets Dennis shoot his hot load down his welcoming throat. He swallows quickly, letting the flavour coat down his throat and singe into his stomach.

Dennis lets out a handful of loud, ragged moans before lying listless beneath Mac, letting his friend slide his softening cock out of his mouth. Mac licks his lips, taking in the view of his roommate splayed out on the couch, completely naked, skin flushed red with passion. Mac sits up, slings Dennis’ legs around his and threads a hand down underneath the hem of his pants.

Dennis pops one eye open and quirks an eyebrow. “Not so fast, baby. I am not yet sufficiently warm.”

Mac raises an eyebrow to mirror. “You’re not?”

In response, Dennis shakes his head.

His breathing is still uneven, Dennis’ seed dripping steadily down his throat, and his jaw sore and slack, as if he has ghost limb syndrome over his friend’s cock which had fitted there only moments before. Dennis tries to sit up too, but gets as far as his two bare feet on the carpet, hands on his knees, and the inability to get any further. Mac jumps off the couch and kicks away the blankets, then helps Dennis toward the bedroom.

He sits Dennis down on the bed and instructs him to drink the water he’d left on the bedside table, but before joining Dennis, he switches on the fan powered heater and closes the door to keep the heat in. When he turns back to the bed, he sees Dennis perched on the edge of the mattress looking extremely tired and worn out.

Cautiously, he says, “Are you sure you want to keep messing around, Den?”

Dennis nods gravely, takes a sip of the water then pulls himself to the middle of the bed and pats the bed sheets.

“I want you to make me hot from the inside out.”

Mac’s dick twitches violently in his pants.

“Don’t you mean from the outside in?”

Dennis grimaces, “Whatever, just come over and treat me, baby. I’ve missed you.”

Mac doesn’t wait a second and jumps onto the bed. “Didn’t you like the handies I gave you at the hospital?” Mac questions before kissing him.

Dennis speaks in parts between hasty kissing, “Oh, I liked them plenty… but there’s only so much… you can do… with ugly nurses everywhere.”

Dennis hitches in close to Mac, pressing their bodies together and works on peeling off Mac’s shirt, tossing it away once he has yanked it over Mac’s head. In the moments broken from Dennis’ lips, Mac can feel Dennis’ hot breathing waft over him, matching against the steady output of the fan heater. Dennis kisses him again, hard, a dominating tongue pressing against Mac’s firm lips, then Dennis breaks from the kiss to pivot in his spot and he starts to rut his bare ass against the front of Mac’s pants.

Mac’s boner digs into Dennis’ ass cheeks, and his eyes flutter heavy with want as he works to quickly free his straining dick.

“You’re filthy, Dennis,” Mac drawls.

The itching skin of his cock finally touches the open air and he steps off the bed to leap out of his pants entirely, and to grab the lube while he’s at it. Seconds later he returns to a keening Dennis, a perfectly curved ass made of white gold waiting for him in the sweltering heat. He nudges Dennis’ legs aside with his own, rolls the heel of his left palm along Dennis’ tailbone as he lathers lube around Dennis’ entrance.

“Fill me…” Dennis pleads in a needy moan.

Mac licks his dry lips, then splinters Dennis’ hole with one finger first, then two, then three, working the walls of Dennis’ asshole to slacken like ice caves in the summer.

“Come on,” Dennis moans, rolling his hips hard against Mac’s fingers, “I need you…”

Mac leans across and nibbles Dennis’ lower back as he wrenches his hand out and replaces the gap with his cock. He soaks up Dennis’ impossible tightness, a disgusting moan falling out of his mouth and rolling over Dennis’ body in a messy spray. He claws at Dennis’ body, wraps one hand around his waist and seizes Dennis’ half hard cock, working hard to form a semblance of a rhythm in jerking and screwing and getting enough air in his lungs. It doesn’t work super great until Dennis slaps Mac’s hand away from his dick, letting Mac focus entirely on the penetration.

He groans in annoyance – mostly out of pleasure but notably an element of annoyance – because he feels like he can’t hold on any longer. Dennis was right. There’s only so much they could do with stupid nurses walking up and down the hall every minute, and after almost losing Dennis, all Mac wants to do is be with him every second, be _in_ him every other moment, because he knows that his time is limited. Dennis only wants him so badly now because he’s starved for attention, which is mostly why Mac is trying to make this thing last as long as possible. And yet, it’s too good. Dennis is too hot. So needy and wanton with his ass hanging on to the tip of Mac’s cock at every out thrust, and his skin vibrating and pink and clammy with love and sweat. He wants to do this forever. Hold on in the pre-climax stasis, a perpetual loop of incremental building, the fine line between ‘almost there’ and ‘not there yet’.

“OH GOD!” Dennis wails, punching a fist against the bed.

He tries not to thrust harder but it’s so goddamn difficult when Dennis is like this and Mac is so hungry for it that he can’t help but give up. He hammers his cock deep inside Dennis, eliciting pained and pleasured cries and gasps from Dennis as Mac finally (and too quickly) comes to release. He shudders, scraping sparks like flint to a rock over Dennis’ back as he crushes his load into Dennis’ ass. He lays heaving on top of Dennis’ back, until the both of them flop down to the mattress, lungs heaving and limbs entangled and the smell of sex and cum rising like hot air.

After a while of the world filtering back to them, Dennis complains, “Turn off the heater. It’s too hot.”

Mac purses his lips, but he presses a quick kiss on Dennis’ shoulder blade before getting up to turn the heater off. When he comes back, Dennis has already stripped the bed of everything but the thin bed sheet which he has tucked around himself. Mac climbs in next to him and Dennis sidles up close, nuzzles his face into the crook of Mac’s neck.

Dennis’ chest rises as if he’s about to say something, and Mac waits, but nothing comes. And it doesn’t take long for Dennis to fall asleep. Mac lays awake for a while, caressing Dennis’ curls and thinking about how the gang had all decided that if they were the characters from _Friends_ , then he would be Chandler and Dennis would be Monica, and how absolutely perfect that is. He’s about to drift into sleep too, until both of their phones vibrate at the same time.

Mac strains to reach his phone from the bedside table and looks at the message. It’s from Dee. She had sent a link to an article written by the John douchebag they’d met the other day. He doesn’t read the article entirely, only the title which exposes Dennis as a chronic liar. Mac deletes the message, then checks to see if Dennis got the same message, and if so, he deletes it too. Because he’ll be there for Dennis, like Dennis is there for him too.

**Author's Note:**

> In the comments tell me whomst of the gang you think would be which Friend and provide evidence to support your answer.


End file.
